On being stuck

I was struck yesterday by Esther's response to us packing up. I wish I had grabbed a camera because she painted a very poignant picture of what is far too often OUR response to growth and change. Imagine a tiny little toddler, dressed in her coat and hat, standing alone against the wall, both tiny hands curled into fists and sucking her thumbs with huge, serious eyes. In her short life she has not known stability, not had security. For her, it was natural to say, "listen guys. I've only been here a few days. But I had fun. There is all the food I want to eat, all the diaper changes I want, clean, soft clothes, a soft bed, laughing, fun and attention I've never had. I ain't going anywhere!" There is just no way to explain to a 2 year old that yes, this is good. But we have BETTER in store for her. Yes, this was comfortable,, but we are headed for BETTER. How many times in my Christian walk am I that little girl? How many times do I stand worried in the corner wanting to stay where I'm comfortable while God is saying, "Yes, it might be scary, but I have BETTER prepared for you!". I think we use comfort as a crutch far too often - "I'm just who God made me", "I'm not a patient person", "God knows I just can't do this". I know I've used and heard more "God, I'm comfortable where/with who I am, so I think I'll get off the bus and camp here..." excuses than I even want to admit. The truth is, God has promised we are a new creation - He is in the business of making us MORE than who we are and bringing us places we never thought we could go. God is in the business of MORE and BETTER, if we just take our thumbs out of our mouths and let Him pack us up and go!

On our way

It's been a rough last few days! Sunday evening I started feeling a little sick. By Monday morning we realized I had developed full-blown strep throat...fever, chills, headache, achy, swollen tonsil mess. We had tea and honey available along with a limited supply of ibuprofen, but by mid-afternoon I was sick enough to worry Bryan. Luckily, by naming him as the petitioner, we only needed him to complete the legal aspect. Luke was able to help me take care of the tiny tornado (um...new nickname!) while Bryan accompanied Andrey to the police station and did the footwork for Esther's passport. They also took a detour to a pharmacy where they had a fun time with Bryan explaining to Andrey what was wrong and Andrey trying to translate it to the pharmacist. They came back with a small arsenal of home remedies...the equivalent of ibuprofen, some throat lozenges and a rather nasty syrup you gargle with that tastes like black licorice, but apparently is even nastier than strep! Tuesday Bryan and Luke went to exchange the money Luke raised through donations for rubles. Esther and I went along for the ride and we finally found "too much". Too much fun, too much new, too much world, too much...everything. While the guys went in to do the money exchange, we stayed in the car and that was apparently the last straw. The idea of being confined was fine as long as the vehicle was moving. Stopping was NOT approved. That started the fit. By the time the guys got back, we were in full out meltdown. That being the case, we decided to let the guys continue the diaper buying expedition on their own and elected to take the shortest route back to the hotel! A snack and nap and by evening we were both in good enough shape to venture out on a much slower walk to buy some souvenirs (she conned a magnet out of one of the street vendors pointing at everything) and some snacks. Very "foreign" feel - like stepping into a completely different world. From the cobblestone walking street lined with vendors selling souvenirs and handicrafts to the bakery we stopped at for homemade chocolate dipped marshmallows for the kids to the street performer sitting on the bench singing folk songs with her accordion to the KGB era van we weren't brave enough to take a picture of (there was a policeman in full out body armor with it...and I swear I expected the van door to open and guys in riot gear to pile out. Whatever the sketchiest 1970's van in your head is, paint it pale green, armor it, add a few old Soviet era signs and you have either the sketchiest or most legit van I have ever seen.), definitely "not in Kansas anymore". That was about how much excitement Esther and I were up to and we definitely slept good that night! Luke, on the other hand, has handled the whole trip with a "going to Russia is perfectly normal" attitude. That kid gets excited over the oddest things - his Russian bottle of Sprite, a sign that looked like a moustache, the Russian flag. It's very structured excitement. Our hotel had VERY sketchy internet service, but the video I posted on Facebook actually came from Tuesday night...behold the power of a good nap! Wednesday we found worried girl. We started packing up the hotel room where we spent the first part of out trip. Have you ever gone on a trip and watched your pets as they noticed the preparations? They know something is going on, something is changing even if they can't understand it. She stood off by herself and sucked her thumbs and watched us pack. There is just no way you can explain to a 2 year old that the packing up includes THEM! Even though there is no way for her to really grasp the concept, the fear of being left is still very real. We we able to get her passport before we left, so she now has her very own Russian passport. The ride to Moscow was about 3 hours given the traffic....thankfully about half of it was during her morning nap because we found our meltdown anytime she was awake! Her fit did give us a good view of her teeth and we were...er..."happy" to find out she's also getting molars during this whole transition. It might be a very long 17 hour trip home... We arrived in Moscow yesterday afternoon. We have a tiny flat on the 19th floor of a building in downtown Moscow, about a 10 min walk from the Embassy. She seemed to relax a little once we were out of the car - the idea that she as still with us seemed a little more concrete apparently when we unloaded everything. Even in the car she insisted on having everything that she recognized as her's - her hat, her coat, her shoes - ON at all times. She was a sweaty exhausted mess by the time we made it here. We made it here in time to call the boys - much better Internet here included in our room (this isn't a hotel, but a short term apartment rental) and free international calling. We hadn't had wifi for a few days, so we haven't gotten to keep in contact much with them at all. We also skyped so they could see their sister. Bryan and Luke took a walk to find a grocery store since here in Moscow we have a kitchen and we're basically on our own. Today we walked to the doctor to have Esther's checkup for her visa. A long, rather cold walk that my still swollen tonsils didn't really appreciate. We met a man in the wait area that was there having the same checkup for his son - a little boy about 7 years old who had just been adopted for a region outside Siberia (another overnight flight from Moscow!). The doctor told us what we already knew/guessed - essentially healthy, teething and her nose issues are probably stemming from that. We passed a Burger King on the way back and Luke was really excited about that (even though we never eat there at home), so after dropping Esther and me off at the apartment, they walked back and got burgers and fries for lunch, Wichita actually tasted surprisingly amazing since I've pretty much been eating soup and coffee (and sometimes even that I could swear was made out of shards of broken glass!) for the last few days! Andrey delivered our paperwork to the Embassy and Bryan (he's the petitioner, so only he has to go but we probably all will accompany him. There are some strict safety standards we were warned about, much like an airport. No cameras, cellphones or liquids top the list.) will go to tomorrow for the meeting. We have lots of downtime today and tomorrow, so hopefully we'll take a walk this evening (now that the clouds are looking a little less ominous) through the historical district (complete with a not so historic Hard Rock Cafe...). Tomorrow we talked about possibly going to the zoo which we also walked past today. The location of this apartment is kind of neat. We are right on the main road through Moscow Center. From our window we can see the Embassy. Three times today we have witnessed major police escorts block off the street and escort people through. Not sure who has come and gone - but usually a police patrol of 4 or 5 cars followed by a limo sandwiched between armored vehicles holds someone pretty high on the totem pole! There was also the line of black hummers that seemed pretty formidable! On a sad note, ths afternoon we said goodbye to Andrey. He picks up another family tomorrow and so he set up his girlfriend (remember me saying he's allowed us some liberties he doesn't normally let families have this trip?) to meet us at the Embassy just in case we have any problems. He asked if he is ever in the States if we would let him contact us, so hopefully someday he'll be able to come visit. Apparently he has had problems getting a visa before - for a single man to get a visa in Russia is apparently very difficult since he has no "ties" to return to. Andrey was awesome - we would have chosen this agency just to get to work with him. Well, I think that gets us up to speed. Tomorrow we do the visa and Friday evening it should be delivered to us in time to catch our flight at 11:50. Please pray for: Esther's visa to go smoothly Me to continue to feel better Esther to make the plane ride without screaming the whole way - I can handle fits on the ground. Fits in the air surrounded by poor unsuspecting seat mates are totally different. These are knock-down, drag out type fits - kicking, hitting (poor Luke who had to sit next to us on the ride to Moscow!), screaming, sweaty, stiff as a board. Worse case scenario I plan on handing her off to Bryan and pretending I don't know them! "Sir? Is there something I can do to help your daughter?" ;-)

Gotcha!

So, I just realized last night that we haven't done the best job of keeping everybody up to date since we got here. As I write it is late Sunday afternoon here (so approaching early Sunday morning there in the States). We've been here for 3 days now. Let's see...we arrived in Moscow Friday morning, were picked up and drove to Tver. We checked into our hotel, grabbed some lunch and then headed to the police station to sign something. Hello, scary KGB style police station. Now THAT was a scary old building! Literally crumbling down around you. There ended up being line, so what literally took 5 min took more like 2 hours. We had to do that before we could go pick up Esther though, so our coordinator offered to do the line waiting part and we went and walked around for a while and then napped in the car (the 3 snoring Americans would have made a very easy target...). Bryan went in to sign since he is the primary petitioner for Esther's passport and visa and then we were able to head to get her! it was pouring rain, cold and dark by that time and the normal road was under construction so we had to park along a different road and walk in. I don't know what I expected...doesn't it seem like you should have to, I don't know, sign something or SOMETHING? But it was incredibly easy. We walked in. They had her freshly bathed and dressed in just a dress (as opposed to the layers she normally wore). They handed her to us and she appeared to recognize us and then touched both our faces like we had worked with her on and said "nice", thus proving she DID recognize us. We switched her into her clothes, snapped a few pictures with her favorite worker and walked out. There is something odd about walking into a building and just taking a kid. You just expect someone to stop you or ask you to prove that you're YOU or...well, something. I guess after proving 5 different ways that our house is our house and the mountain of paperwork, this just seemed too...easy. :) We came directly back to the hotel since by that time it was like 7. We bathed her (she was NOT impressed) so she smelled, well, less like orphanage and we KNEW she was clean, pajama-ed everyone up and hit the hay. That went really well until about 5 in the morning when she realized she was in a strange room that was full of things to be touched and explored and became a tiny little ball of energy. We MIGHT be a little jet lagged. Yesterday Bryan and Luke walked in the rain to the bank to exchange money. We took turns being jet lagged. My turn was last night. Luke is "not tired" but is sleeping right now. We walked today down to the mall to buy shoes - I errored on the size of big and, sure enough, the ones we brought are big! So far we are doing really, surprisingly well. She is eating and sleeping well after we got past that 5am wake-up call the first day. She loves Luke. She finds it hilarious that people want to carry her. Her new game is to hold up both hands for Luke to pick her up and then when he starts to go get her she runs away to see if he will go catch her. When he does she giggles like it's the funniest thing to ever happen. She is definitely an active toddler - as in, Ben and Andrew active. Curious about everything, pretty impressed by the endless food idea, very impressed by juice and sippy cups and pretty enthralled with the idea of being the only toddler competing for the attention of 3 whole people. She has already decided she might want to start talking and has said "mama", "nice" and "cat" along with being willing to start signing ("more" was a pretty easy sell...). She has been singing and humming since we got to the hotel and does not appear at all phased by the idea that she's in a completely strange place (although when she napped with me I did wake up to her poking me and putting her toes in my mouth...don't worry. I redirected her. To Bryan's.) So, that gets us to today - I should add that we are completely on our own for the last few days. Our coordinator must have decided we were doing ok because he very tentatively pitched the idea of going back to Moscow and leaving us on our own for the weekend. He checks in everyday by email so I think he was a little nervous. He comes back tomorrow and we go pick up Essie's passport picture and then go do something at another police station. Tuesday...I'll be honest, no idea what we have to do Tuesday. Oh, right. Tuesday we will take Luke to exchange the money he raised (the boys set the goal of 100.00 to b diapers for the orphanage. They ended up with just shy of 300!). Luke will cash that in for rubles and then go the store and buy diapers and deliver them to the orphanage. Wed we get her passport and we head to Moscow for the US Embassy side of things. All in all we feel things are going very well and she is adjusting to us and us to her very quickly. She had a whole list of firsts today...first time going shopping, first time eating at a restaurant, first new shoes, first walk outside...you get the idea. When you consider how much is new, she's doing surprisingly well (or we wouldn't have left the apartment). Prayer requests: That the paperwork/legal portion of the trip will go smoothly. We get her visa on Fri afternoon and leave on Sat morning. There is no room for error, literally. If it's late, we don't make our flight. That she will continue to adjust smoothly as we travel to Moscow. Each step we take gets her farther and farther out of her comfort zone and what she knows.

Dear family and friends....

We found this wonderful letter on several sites and wanted to share it with you all.  It very clearly explains our needs as a family unit to those around us.  It's a great tool!  We've personalized it to our specific needs and we'd appreciate it if everyone would take the time to read it.  We're NOT trying to be harsh or keep anyone away -- we simply need this time as a family to help Esther adjust to us and us to her. Hopefully this letter helps you understand the unique needs Esther will have in her first days home. Thank you all in advance for your prayers and support through all of this and as we bring her home! 

Dear Family & Friends,

After over two years of waiting, Esther is finally coming home! We know that each of you receiving this letter has, in some way, supported, loved and prayed for us. Because we know your care for our family, we want to share with you some information that we hope will best equip everyone around Esther to assist us in laying the strongest and healthiest foundation - emotionally, physically and spiritually.

 Very soon, we’ll be starting the process of becoming a new and bigger family.  This is an exciting and scary time for all of us, especially for Esther.  In her short life, our daughter has gone through more changes and life altering experiences than most adults could handle. She's already experienced the loss of a birth family and will soon experience the loss of familiar and comforting caretakers as well as the sights, smells, and language of her birth country. Her world will turn upside down.  She will be disoriented and confused.  She will struggle with feeling safe and secure and lack the ability to trust that we will meet her needs. 

In many ways, Esther will be like the children who entered our family through birth. But there will be a few, initial differences. For years now, we have researched and taken courses dealing with bonding and attachment in children, especially those coming home through adoption from an institutional orphanage setting.

We are confident of this: God's design is PERFECT! His plan for parents and children is a beautiful and meaningful picture of His love for us. Attachment between a parent and child occurs over time when a baby has a physical or emotional need and communicates that need. The primary caretaker (usually mommy) meets the need and soothes the child. This repeats between a parent and child over and over to create trust within the child for that parent; the baby is hungry, cries in distress, mom nurses & calms the baby - which teaches him that this person is safe and can be trusted. By God's very design, an emotional foundation is laid in the tiniest of babies, which will affect their learning, conscience, growth and future relationships. The security provided by parents will, ultimately, give children a trust for and empathy towards others.

Children who come home through adoption have experienced interruptions in this typical attachment process. The loss of a biological mother at an early age can be a major trauma on their little hearts. As Esther's parents and forever family we get to rebuild attachment and help her heal from these emotional wounds. When she comes home, she will be overwhelmed. Everything around her will be new and she will need to learn not just about her new environment, but also about love and family. She has not experienced God's design for a family in an orphanage setting. The best way for us to form a parent/child bond is to be the ones to hold, snuggle, instruct, soothe and feed her. As this repeats between us, she will be able to learn that parents are safe to trust and to love deeply. We are, essentially, recreating the newborn/parent connection. Once she starts to establish this important bond, she will then be able to branch out to other, healthy relationships.

Esther will have what may seem like a lot of structure, boundaries and close proximity to us. Please know that these decisions are prayerfully and thoughtfully made choices based on immense amounts of research and instruction from trusted sources. We will be doing what we believe is best to help her heal from those interruptions in attachment as effectively as possible. Why are we telling you all of this? Because you will actually play an awesome and vital role in helping Esther settle in, heal, and lay a foundation for the future. There are a few areas in which you can help us:

The first is to set physical boundaries. It will help us immensely if adults limit what is typically considered normal, physical contact with Esther. This will (for a while) include things like holding, excessive hugging and kissing. Children from orphanage settings are prone to attach too easily to anyone and everyone - which hinders the important, primary relationship with parents. Waving, blowing kisses, a brief hug or kiss on the cheek while she's in our arms, high fives, a pat on the back or head, etc are perfectly appropriate and welcomed! Esther should know that the people with whom she interacts are our trusted friends.

Another area is redirecting Esther's desire to have her physical and emotional needs met by anyone (including strangers) to having us meet them. Orphans often have so many caretakers that they, as a survival mechanism, become overly charming toward all adults. A child struggling to learn to attach may exhibit indiscriminate affection with people outside of their family unit. It may appear harmless and as if they are "very friendly" but this is actually quite dangerous for the child. To share this is difficult for us because we have snuggled, cared for, fed and loved so many of your children. Please understand that we want nothing more than to have Esther hugged, cuddled and cherished by ALL of you. But until she has a firm understanding of family and primary attachments, we would be grateful if you direct her to us if you see that she is seeking out food, affection or comfort.  

Lastly, for this initial homecoming period, we would ask that disruptions be limited and that we be allowed to choose what our family can handle.  Adopting a toddler is very different from bringing a newborn home from the hospital, but there are some similarities: You want everyone to come to the (hospital) airport/homecoming (we should be home around noon on Sunday the 14th) to see your new child. That is the same. You want the house quiet, calm, low stimulus so the mother and child can rest and bond. That is the same. You want to limit visitors for the first several weeks. That is the same.  We would LOVE for you to come and meet Esther.  We simply ask that before you do so, you call ahead.  Esther will be very fragile in many ways when she comes home, much like a newborn.  So many of you have prayed and loved her from half a world away and we are so excited to have you finally meet her!  She will be incredibly overwhelmed during the first few weeks (or even months) at home and needs to meet people slowly and learn that this is her forever home and family.  Give us a call and let us know when you'll be by so we can plan to have visits be manageable for her well-being.

We are incredibly blessed to have so many loved ones around us. We couldn't ask for a better extended family & circle of friends for our family. Thank you so much for your love and support over the past two years. If you have any questions please feel free to ask at any time! May God bless you as you have blessed us through this journey! Bryan, Jessica and boys