The Grey Zone: The Common Act of Mothering

I've been reading a lot of articles lately about mothering and parenting.  As some of you know, this is a place of special passion for me.  I've been there.  I've been criticized my own fair share.  I'm not going to say I'm a perfect mom.  Far from it.  Often I'm a worn out, frazzled, messy house, haven't showered in so long I can't remember disaster.  But I feel compelled to address this fractioned, mom-warred out mess we find ourselves in as mom's today.

It comes in every form - stay at home mom, working mom, nursing mom, bottle feeding mom, adopted mom against adopted mom…yes!  Even within these categories that you think we could find unity, we're attacking each other.  Reading a blog post from a fellow adoptive mom yesterday and reading the comments that people, probably well-meaning, were posting, I was astonished and heart-broken to find that in this common experience of motherhood and parenting we can somehow find the time and energy to be mean.  And that's all there is to it.  It's just…mean.  

Let me say this.  We are all in this together.  Right now, you and I are parenting the next generation of the human race.  The HUMAN race.  

Let's get a few things out on the table.  I don't care what your skin color is.  You know what?  A dog is a dog is a dog.  It doesn't matter if it comes in fluffy or wiener.  Doesn't it make it any less of a dog.  We are part of the HUMAN race.  Skin color doesn't matter.  That doesn't make you a different human than me.  So stop with the "these children are better or somehow more worthy than these because they are _________ color or from ___________ country or were born into my family or were brought in by adoption".  I'm tired of hearing it.    

We've all heard the term "mommy wars".  And we've all cheered on certain articles calling it out.  But good grief people.  Give it up.  We're so caught up in our tabloid society and what we see so and so doing or not doing and somehow thinking it's our business.  Do you want to know what our business is?  Supporting each other.  Finding that mom that's struggling and coming along side her.  Noticing that mom that "looks" like she's got it all together is just as broken as you and I.  How dare we presume to know enough to judge each other.  Yes - there are lines.  There are things that are black and white, flat out wrong.  So if you're hitting your kids, or screaming and verbally and emotionally abusing them - that's not what I'm talking about.  You need help - love your kids, love your family enough to humble yourself and get it.  I'm talking about the moms in the grey zone.  That's me.  Five kids - 4 boys and a girl.  4 biological and 1 international adoption.  4 with food and environmental allergies.  Struggles with ADHD type behaviors, high activity levels, anxiety, attachment issues, self-harm…it's the grey zone where there is often no clear cut black and white and it's the zone we need to be embracing and supporting each other in.  

We all know the categories of moms - the nursing moms, the co-sleeping moms, the everything organic moms, the stay at home moms, the super moms, the working moms.  The list goes on.  And yet, it seems even within these categories we can't seem to find the simple ability to uplift each other.  The article I happened on yesterday was specific to a mom who had adopted a child that was horribly broken - reactive attachment disorder, abandonment issues.  And yet she was being attacked.  This family that had made this incredibly difficult decision, was standing by their child with every ounce of strength and love they could muster was being attacked.  Let me make something crystal clear.  Your family is not mine.  And vice versa.  Everyone of us comes into this whole parenting mess with a different weight on our shoulders.  Different baggage, different life experience, different personalities.  And then you add a spouse and children to that.  And you get more.  More baggage, more mistakes, more life experience, more personalities.  How can I possibly have the pride to look at your family and say somehow not only do I know what's going on, but I also have superior tactics to deal with it? 

Even in our adoption, this rings incredibly true.  I've been discouraged lately in my reading from adoptive families.  I'm not talking about all the chaos surrounding adoption…older child vs younger, one country vs another, U.S vs foreign, etc.  I'm talking about that same family makeup.  Take all those things - personalities, life experience, baggage and mix them up with a child that has experienced more terror and pain and loss than any child should.  That's ANY adoption.  Even a newborn - that first and primal bond with their mother was just severed.  Loss.  Trauma.  And then put them in a family.  Let's say it's for "the right reasons" (yes, there are wrong ones…and I've heard them.) Yes, the experience has it's beautiful moments.  Yes, it can also be incredibly hard.  And every mom, every dad, every sibling is unique and will deal with it in a different way.  Who am I to say that one is better than another?  It's their experience.  We got "lucky" in a lot of ways.  Our daughter's hurts manifest themselves different than other kids I've seen - or maybe we were just equipped differently to deal with it.  If your child is more wounded or more hurt from the loss they've come through, you don't need me to tell you that somehow there's something wrong with you or your family.  And I don't need someone telling me.  I don't need to attack that mom who's getting negative about her child (biological or adoptive) - it's a cry for help, for my support, for my love.  Because how do I know next week that won't be me?  How do I know I wouldn't be reacting just like her in her situation?  I don't need to attack that mom who's got it going good right now.  They seem to have smooth sailing.  She doesn't need to hear the nay-sayers tell her that might end.  She needs my support and my love so if it does, I've got her back.  God gave you your child.  Adopted, biological, it doesn't matter.  To quote Lilo and Stitch 'Family means no one gets left behind or forgotten".  My family is my family.  God gave us to each other.  There is something uniquely ME that only I can give my children.  Something they need from me, that only having me as their mother will meet.  Even in those really bad, rotten, no good, very bad days.  If God wanted you to parent them, you'd have them.  And the same holds true for you.  If God wanted me to have your kids, I'd have them.  There is something about you that makes you ideally suited to be their parent.  And instead of criticizing you and assuming you're messing it up, I'm going to choose to love you and assume you're getting it right.  

The HUMAN race.  Right now, you and I have the incredible privilege of raising the next generation.  We'll mess up.  I guarantee it.  Maybe I've got the President, the next great scientific mind that will cure cancer or AIDS.  Maybe you do.  Maybe I'm raising the next Billy Graham. The next Mozart.  Maybe my child is that kid that grows up and saves the world.  Maybe not.  Maybe they grow up to be solid citizens.  Moms and dads that stay together no matter what, who love the people around them and give generously.  That's good enough for me.  I'm going to keep going.  And when I see you having a rough day with your child, I'm not going to assume that it's because you're a bad mom.  I'm not going to assume that if you knew what I do, somehow it would easier or you'd be better for it.  Do me a favor, and do the same for me.  And that mom down the street.  And that mom in front of you at church or the grocery store.  Assume she's doing the best she can.  Assume that you can support her by being a friend (maybe that means pointing her toward something that's helped you, maybe not…believe me, you don't have all the answers).  Assume her kids are human beings, the same as yours, and treat her and them like they are.  Assume you can love her.  We're in this together.  Let's act like it.  

Grain Free Gluten Free Breaded and Fried Fish and Chicken Fingers and Garlic Oregano Oven-fried French Fries

Gluten Free Grain Free Fried Fish and Chicken Fingers

Yes.  The picture is terrible.  I snapped it with my phone moments after pulling a fresh batch out of the pan.  Moments before it disappeared.  Just like the previous batches.  This is definitely a keeper.  One of the hardest parts of allergies is feeling like you can't have what seem to be very simple "treats".  For us, fried fish and chicken fingers rank up there with the I-miss-the-junk-food.  Pair these with the french fry recipe below and watch it disappear.  The fish is also great as fish tacos!

Gluten Free Grain Free Fried Fish and Chicken Fingers
1 c. instant potato flakes
1 T garlic powder
1/2 tsp sea salt (I use Himalayan pink)
1/2 tsp cracked black pepper
3-4 fish fillets or chicken tenders (depends on size)
Olive oil (or an egg) AND frying oil (I use lard)
Obviously this recipe can be adapted to just about any taste - if we could tolerate it, I would totally try a Cajun seasoning in it.  Onion powder would also be a good addition.  Due to the variance in size of chicken and fish fillets, more or less coating may be needed.
I use 2 shallow pie pans for dipping.  In the first pan I put about a 1/4 c olive oil (if you can handle eggs, a well-mixed egg could take it's place).  The dry ingredients go into the other.  Dip the meat in the oil (or egg) and coat well with potato mixture while oil is heating (I use about 2-4 T in a large fry pan to get a good 1/4 thick coating on the bottom).  Fry til golden brown on both sides (again, depending on whether you use fish or chicken and how thick it is, time will vary - use your own judgment).  Serve hot with fries (or that's how we roll…).

Garlic Oregano Fries
About 1 large potato (Idaho or Russet hold up the best), scrubbed and cut into fries (we prefer "steak fries")
Olive oil
Garlic powder
Sea Salt
Oregano

Preheat oven to 450.  In a large bowl toss fries with a good drizzle of olive oil (probably about 1-2 T per potato).  Spray a large cookie sheet with olive oil.  Arrange fries in as much of a single layer as possible.  Sprinkle generously with remaining ingredients.  Bake 15-20 min or until browned on each side.  When bottoms are done, flip to brown evenly - better yet, use a convection oven (no flipping needed and done in 10-15 min).

Kids Earn Electronics Point system/Chart

Thought I would share our new "earn your electronics time" for the summer system.  After a week off school I was already tired of the arguing and the "I can't think of anything to do" (code for: I want to play something with a screen…).  So.  This is our new earn as much time as you want, up to 2 hours worth.  One of the issues we had run into before is that one boy, in particular, would quickly complete his chores while the others dawdled.  So "no electronics til the house is clean" just meant he would do twice the work of other siblings to get it done.  I wanted something that was more "fair" - if he wants to do more, he gets rewarded for it.  If you don't want to do anything, fine.  It might take you a week to collect enough points.  I kept it simple - printed this off and hung it on the bulletin board.  I made notecards with the points (10-100) on them and hung them below). They do it all on their own - collect their cards whenever they do a job and turn them into me to be allowed to set the timer so I can look at the jobs they did. My house is brilliantly clean and everyone has voluntarily done jobs they never thought of doing before. Note that things I'd like to see them do more of (read, practice music, write letters) are worth a lot of points. These jobs are on top of their normal chores with the exception of a few that they are required to do (like piano) but attitude sometimes gets in the way of.  Yesterday the inside of my windows got cleaned, the microwave got scrubbed, the chairs and stools were wiped down, siblings were helped, they read for an hour straight, etc all VOLUNTARILY and without complaint.  I win.  P.S Their fast/head math skills as getting pretty good too…hahahahahahaha 

Write a nice letter to someone in the family = 50 points

Write a nice letter to your penpal or that you need to send = 50 points 

20 min reading = 50 points
20 min Bible reading = 100 points

20 min drawing/coloring = 50 points

Play a board/cardgame with a sibling = 50 points

Help a sibling with a job or piano/homework = 25 points

Help with dinner or a meal = 25 points

Pick up entryways = 25 points

Wipe down the baseboards/door = 50 points per room

Wipe down the lower section of the walls (as high as you can reach) = 100 per room

Make sure stairs and hallway are clean = 25 points

1 load of laundry washed, folded and put away = 100 points

Organize your drawers = 25 points per drawer

Empty dishwasher = 50 points

Load dishwasher = 50 points

Clean and wash off tables = 25 points

Clean and wash off counters = 25 points

Wash chairs = 25 pts a chair, 10 pts a stool, 50 pts each for leather furniture (use baby wipes)

Clean microwave = 25 points

Take out garbage and put in new bag = 25 points

Sweep wood floors = 50 points

Sweep tile and vacuum rugs = 50 points

Clean living room and big room = 50 points

Practice piano/music = 50 points per 15 min

Wash a window = 10 points a window

Clean a pet cage/dishes = 25 points a cage

Clean the car - trash and picked up = 50 points

Vacuum the car = 100 points

Weed a flowerbed/shovel snow/sweep driveway = 100 points a piece

200 points = 20 min electronics time (Isaac, Luke, Andrew - ages 8-12)

100 points = 20 min electronics time (Ben - the 5 year old)

Strawberry Mango Pie (Gluten free, dairy free, soy free, egg free)

Isaac brought this recipe home from school in his Spanish workbook with the idea I could "fix" it so it would be allergy free. Sure enough, a few tweaks (and the addition of a layer of strawberry) and we were good to go.

Crust:
1 box Enjoy Life Graham cookies or Sugar cookies (gluten free or regular graham cracker would be fine too)
3 T melted coconut oil
1/8 c sugar

Press into lightly oiled pie pan.  Bake at 325 degrees for 10-15 min or until edges begin to lightly brown.  Cool completely.

1 lb frozen chopped mangos, thawed
1 c chopped strawberries
1 can cream of coconut (find it near drink mixes such as margarita mix, etc.)
1/2 c warm water plus 3T
2 envelopes unflavored gelatin plus 1/2 envelope

Strawberry layer:
Dissolve 1/2 envelope gelatin in 3T warm water.  Blend 4T cream of coconut with strawberries until smooth.  Add gelatin mixture.  Blend until throughly mixed.  Pour into pie shell.  Chill til firm (about 2 hours).

Mango layer:
Dissolve 2 envelopes gelatin in 1/2 warm water.  Combine remaining cream of coconut and mangos in blender and blend til smooth.  Add gelatin mixture and throughly combine.  Pour over strawberry layer. Chill til firm (about 4 hours or overnight).

Serve with cool whip or whipped coconut cream if desired.