So shortly after we got home and got everyone to some semblance of not being sick (I took the longest...I think I've now been well about 2 months finally...), we realized that the banging her head on her crib and the inability to sleep was due to some pretty severe sleep apnea. Andrew had his tonsils and adenoids removed not too long ago due to snoring and mild sleep apnea, so we were pretty quick to recognize the signs. We have some video footage we took to show the doctor that was downright scary once we realized how much she wasn't breathing. She would hold her breath for up to about 30 seconds and, in the case of our video, repeated the cycle 3 times in a matter of minutes.
Thinking back is actually helpful...we suffered some reverting lately on the attachment front. But looking back it's so much better than it was that it really is amazing that she's come so far, so quickly. The fits were pretty hard and fast for the first few months. I think the first 2 months home we spent over an hour a day just holding her so she couldn't hurt us or herself while she screamed. They've tapered off pretty good now and, when and if, she does throw an occasional one, it's much more...normal. A few minutes of being held and she'll turn it off and say "all done" and be ready to go.I'm not going to say that attachment has been easy for any of us, or that we're "there" yet. I think looking back a year from now we'll see it all in a different light! I think our boys surprised us by attaching to her much more quickly and unconditionally than we expected which has been amazing to watch. People keep asking if the honeymoon phase is over for them and, though the fits were sometimes difficult for them to see and hear, they really handled it in an amazing and accepting way. I think they could teach us adults a little about loyalty and acceptance. Bryan and I have taken a little longer (granted the boys were never the ones holding her down while she flipped out...)
But I'm getting ahead of myself and rambling...so far most of my catch up has been the first 8 weeks. They were rough. The beginning of December we decided we couldn't put off the breathing issues any longer and brought her in for an appointment with the ENT doctor. He immediately agreed with us and less than 2 weeks later she was having surgery for her tonsils and adenoids. Looking back, I'm amazed we lasted that long. We literally started off jetlagged, were sick for close to a month and dealt with knock down drag out fits on absolutely no sleep. The results of the surgery were dramatic and instantly life changing. Her nose quit perpetually running, the rattle in her chest cleared up and she started SLEEPING. We slept through the night for the first time in 2 months a couple days after surgery. 24 hours after surgery she was running sprints. I remember after I had sinus surgery getting oxygen "highs" as my body responded to more oxygen then it had ever had. That happened overnight for her. By Christmas she was completely recovered and preparing for a major growth spurt. I think one of my biggest "ah HA!" moments happened shortly after her surgery. I was talking with a friend who is a nurse and was asking me questions about her sleep apnea. It was pretty severe -- she was holding her breath for up to 30 seconds at a time before she would take a breath in. And then hold it again. And again. Until she woke up terrified and screaming. Given the severity of her apnea, my friend told me it would have only been a matter of time before oxygen deprivation began to take it's toll on her brain and she would have been increasingly brain damaged. In no uncertain terms she said that we had given her a chance at a life she would not have had otherwise, a chance to reach her potential. I don't know if it was my own sleep deprivation or the final fraying of my last emotional nerve, but that just hit me like a ton of bricks. This amazingly smart, funny, active little girl. Brain damaged. And God got her out. He put her right where she needed to be, gave us the past experience to immediately see her need and get her help. And just a few weeks later, Russia closed. She was one of the last few hundred kids out. That boggles my mind. So many children left behind. So many doors closed. How many like her are still there?
My mind is spinning trying to take our last 6 months and condense them into some sort of comprehensive thoughts. It was hard, don't get me wrong. Like Bryan said, you wonder where this angry person you suddenly find you can be came from. And how this tiny toddler can make you go there so quick! For me, the actual steps of the adoption were more trying than the adjustment so far -- I studied and researched and the adjustment hasn't caught me off guard. Once I make the leap to attachment it's fast and it's steadfast. For Bryan it came slower -- granted, I have much more time with her while he's at work. Esther, having women as her sole caretakers, adjusted very quickly to me, and much more slowly to him. It took a concerted effort on his part to show her that we were, as he put it, "a package deal". I think we're all to the point now, as he said, where it seems like she's always been here. Strange to think about when less than a year ago we were still waiting for a referral.
Since it seems to me like so far I've been focusing on the hard things, and since before I lose sight of some of the truly amazing things, there are things in the last few months we've experienced that have been beyond words.
~ Growth. Once the sleeping happened she grew incredibly fast. We brought her home at 19 pounds. She gained 6 pounds in 8 weeks, had surgery, lost 2 pounds, gained it back and grew 6 inches. SIX inches in 7 months. We brought her home at 2.5 wearing some 6-12 month clothes (she came home in an 18 month outfit). She is now in a 2T. She's made other huge physical strides -- when we brought her home she could walk, but was still at the place where an early walker loses their balance bending over or trips easily. She couldn't walk down stairs, or jump or climb. She can now.
~ A birthday. Esther turned 3 in March. It was her very first birthday party and, though we kept it very low key, she definitely got the idea of birthday presents and it was SO much fun to watch the boys want to bless her on her birthday!
~ Giggling. It seems so natural and so innate. Yet, it caught us off guard when this strange sound escaped her after a few weeks home. It took us a minute to pinpoint what it was. She was giggling. There were a few times when we visited that we got his eerie noise to come out of her while we were playing. It wasn't a laugh...more half squeal, half scream. That was the only "happy" noise she made. There is something profound about a toddler learning to giggle. My sister made the comment looking at pictures of her after she had been home just a few months that she looked like she had toddler depression in the early pictures. She looks like a different child. Hahahaha Just read my picture that I made while apparently really, really sleep deprived a while back. That should say April 2013, not Oct.
~Crying. On the opposite side, she also didn't know how to cry. She knew how to scream. She knew how to sound angry. She yelled and screamed bloodcurdling screams. But she didn't cry. About the time she started laughing, she also started crying. And it confused her. She would react so funny to her eyes crying tears. It was as if she had no idea what was happening and would get angry that something was coming out of her eyes. ~ Animals. While there were dogs outside the fence around the grounds and an occasional cat we saw slip through, there was no access to animals. She was astounded at ducks and geese. Walking down the fish aisle at Walmart was akin to an African Safari. Dogs and cats and lizards and hamsters and cows...equally enthralled by all of them. Dogs, ducks and horses are her absolute favorite. She loves to sing "Old McDonald Had a Farm", only her farm only has dogs and ducks...
~ Freedom. The concept of being able to go outside and having a whole world be there. Snow. Rain. She was terrified of wind at first -- the way newborns in the wind will get their breath taken away.
~ Being a child. Along those lines, watching her learn to be a toddler has been some of our most fun moments. I've watched her literally follow Ben around and copy his every move. And he is GOOD at being a kid! You should see her fly around the house on one of the riding toys or play with duplos (she PLAYS now). It's something we take sooooo for granted. Until you see a child who has never been able to be one. Who has been in survival mode all their
life.
~ English. 8 weeks. Seriously. 8 weeks and she was fluent. In 4 weeks, she was understanding everything we said -- as in, we could give her complicated directions and she could follow them. At 6 weeks she started babbling in english and at 8 weeks she was speaking complete sentences. A few weeks ago at a soccer game, a lady asked how old she was. When I told her she said, "Well, I thought she was small, so I thought maybe 2, but she talks so good I though maybe 3...". She went from speaking only a tiny bit of Russian, to Russian plus sign language, to sign language plus English, to English to fluency in 8 weeks. She can now boss her brothers around fluently and even purposefully tease them with a little smirk to show she knows she's being funny. Did I mention a little smarty? What have you done in the last 6 months?
~ Affection. I think this is the one that has captured us more than anything. She didn't like affection at first. She was scared to be hugged. She didn't get kissing. Dad holding her was practically the end of the world. Now she comes flying in and yells "HUGGIE!!!" at any random moment for a bear hug. Her new thing just the past few weeks are these random acts of affection and expressing thankfulness. The first time it happened I was in the kitchen making dinner and she comes flying in and grabs my leg and hugs it and kisses it and says, "thank you mama!" and goes running off. Be still my heart. We have no idea if she really comprehends what she's saying (she's awesome at using please and thank you in the right context), but after all the fits and the holding her down to keep her from hurting herself or us, there is nothing more rewarding to have that child turn into this. I don't care how long the phase lasts (she's been thanking me and "papa" at least once a day randomly for the last few weeks now), it is much needed encouragement that there is more than just an outer change happening in her little mind and heart and soul.
~ Family. We're not an easy bunch to adapt to. Ha! We're loud and rambunctious, and, let's face it, there are a million of us. To learn to not just co-exist, but to function as part of a family has been incredible to watch. Like Bryan said the other day, it's like a switch got flipped a few weeks ago. As if she went from being a spectator, to deciding she wanted to stay and wanted to be part of the family. Oddly enough, that "switch" happened at the same time as the random acts of affection and thank-yous.
We're quickly approaching the one year mark for our referral. The night of Andrew's birthday as he went to bed he came and hugged me and asked, "WHEN will we get my sister?" I had told him that only God knew and it was ok if he prayed that it could happen SOON. The next morning we received our referral (Andrew was pretty sure it was in direct response to his prayer). I found a sticky note the other day with a long list of paperwork and visa questions still floating around to try to organize my thoughts from a year ago. Sitting here, that seems both impossibly long ago and impossibly short. Watching our boys grow and change and circle the wagons around this tiny little girl has been an amazing blessing. I read an article the other day (thinking it was Jen Hatmaker off the top of my head) that talked about how God doesn't make mistakes. He didn't put our daughter in another country. Her family was Plan A. We were Plan B. And that's ok. Things happen. Families change and people, well, act like they are human. The fact is, even if the human side of Plan A didn't work, God was still moving to bring about an amazing Plan B. We're ok with being Plan B. And we're looking forward with expectant hearts to see the plan God has from here, not just for her, but for our whole family.
